I am really looking forward to be immersed in recovery because I have a questionable willingness to stay focused on it. I had seen most of them in last year’s retreat so it was good to see them all again a year later. I arrived here yesterday (Friday afternoon) I was still working and luckily the internet allowed me to get the rest of the day in order. you can read about my last year’s retreat here. I shared about attending a similar one last year when I was in a different place recovery-wise. So I am lucky to report that I am attending a SLAA Camp this weekend. Some of you know that I had a rocky ride with recovery lately, especially if you’ve listened to my latest podcast .
staring at the view you see in the picture below and listening to piano Cannon in D. I am writing this as I am sitting in camp house an hour outside of Wellington New Zealand. and that my friends is enough proof I am an addict. I want to defy the laws of physics as well as the spiritual laws and some how still have two separate realities where I can have my cake and eat it. I often imagine a parallel existence where I could act out on my addiction, have a bit of “fun” while at the same time my “other self” remains sober and living recovery. I love my life when I am sober, but I always have that pull to revive the old neural pathways. Now, back to what I was talking about in the first place. (for me, it is sex, romantic obsession, or food). the unfortunate reality is that what runs through these grooves isn’t water, but chemicals that were once indulged by the substance of choice. it is like a dry groove so thirsty for water to run through it and turn it into a living breathing stream once more. The pull to tap back into that pattern is quite strong. In recovery I have the opportunity to build new neural pathways, as a result of living a new pattern of recovery, but, the minute my recovery pattern are weak, the addiction patterns are there waiting to be triggered. the neural pathways established as a result of a repeated pattern of addiction don’t magically disappear. If you know enough about addiction, it is something that is never truly cured. I was at a meeting today and in my share I verbalized (probably for the 100th time) a constant mental obsession that takes hold of me every now and then.